operational definitions

Religious ideas have arisen from the same need as have all the other achievements of civilization: from the necessity of defending oneself against the crushingly superior force of nature…

- Sigmund Freud

Freud was one of a long legacy of influential figures who have discounted religion as illusion, fraud, or fiction. Based on this quote, I would assume that he believed religion is simply a clever derivative of our instinct for self-preservation. We have this innate need to protect ourselves, so we contrived this convenient explanation that we call religion. Many questions about our existence can be answered with religion, and those that cannot be answered directly are explained away with terms like “faith” or “karma” or “divine will”. When we have a way to explain uncontrollable phenomena like death or natural disasters, we feel safe. I agree with that idea to a certain extent. I think it’s human nature to seek meaning and understanding of the world around us, and when we can’t find it, we find a way to explain it. The problem I have with the above quote, then, is that it assumes that the “superior force of nature” is purely corporeal. I think nature is God, and God is nature. God’s force is indeed superior, and we do tend to try and find ways to defend ourselves from it. This is why people become Christians – to defend themselves from what they believe is inevitable damnation unless they accept Christ as their savior. So in other words, I think there is some truth to Freud’s statement, but I also don’t think it necessarily reinforces his assumption that religion is an illusion.

saturated

Ok. I don’t know if it’s hormones or stress or what, but I have become completely exasperated with my situation. At the same time that  I’m trying to plan my future (moving, finding a job, a place to live, applying to school, etc.), I’m also still stuck with all these meaningless obligations and I am just so ready to be through with it all. Some would argue that routine brings comfort, and that is certainly true in many cases, but for me right now, I am so unbelievably tired of getting up at the same time in the morning to the same apartment that I hate, parking in the same place, running late to the same stupid classes that I am completely uninterested in, and striving to make decent grades when I can hardly motivate myself to open a textbook. School has become a chore and it upsets me because I have what a psychologist would call a “high need for cognition.” I like to learn for learning’s sake, and I like to challenge myself intellectually, but for whatever reason, being here has started to reverse that. I find myself skimming through chapters in my textbooks just so I can say I read them, and memorizing the information just long enough to take the tests. I don’t care about my classes, my teachers, my classmates, and I only marginally care about my grades at this point. And I know it’s school and not just stress in general that’s weighing me down, because I’m actually kind of enjoying the “stress” and newness and unexpectedness of graduating and trying to scramble to find a place to live and work. To borrow Karen’s terminology from her latest blog post, I am just saturated. I can’t find any more room for caring about school – I am full to the point of breaking.

And I want to make the same point Karen did (such a wonderful, insightful writer), I don’t want to seem ungrateful. I have an amazing dad who has committed to paying for most of my college education, and that is more than a LOT of people can say. I am incredibly fortunate, and I honestly think about that on a daily basis. I’m just frustrated and feel like I’m stuck, stagnant, and am just counting down the days until I’m done with this place and can start my own life the way I want to, and not the way “they” tell me to.

tomorrow if a golden train came to take you away…

Thought of the day:

People change their minds because they cannot change outcomes.

That idea was brought up during my Psychology of Religion class the other day (which, by the way, might be one of like five classes total that I’ve really enjoyed at Baylor.. how sad). It suggests that people have a tendency to accommodate their values or beliefs in response to their situation, particularly when they cannot change their situation themselves. For example, a person may shift from believing in intercessory prayer to not believing in it after many fervent prayers went unanswered. Instead of continuing to try and change the outcome, they decided to change their set of beliefs. Or as another example, a person might begin believing that every event is part of God’s plan when they didn’t before because no matter what they do, every event in their life goes unexpectedly and in a way that is out of their hands. In a non-religious context, an example might be when a person faced with a terminal illness changes their mind about being resuscitated. Once they realize they can’t change the outcome of their situation (inevitable death), they may go from believing that doctors should keep patients alive by any means necessary to believing that when a patient approaches death, then it is their time to go.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this necessarily. I mean it seems natural that we experience life as it comes, and accommodate our beliefs accordingly. To take the idea even further, though, it was also suggested in class that behavior precedes belief. Whereas the earlier quote implies that we adjust our cognitive mindset according to external events, this notion implies that we adjust our cognitive mindset based on our own behavior. In other words, we behave a certain way, and if that works for us, then we adopt that belief even if it’s contrary to what we believed before. Something to think about anyway.

i heart technology

It’s officially Fall Break! Yay! I was originally planning on camping at Lost Maples this weekend but it just didn’t quite come together. It would’ve been really amazing to see this time of year, but I’m happy to have a day off either way. And it’s probably better this way because I would’ve had to skip my last 2 classes today to go claim a campsite with Cory before it got too late, but it turns out my Lifespan test was postponed to today at 3:30. I was supposed to have the exam on Tuesday, but there was a chemical spill at the science building and they cleared the whole building! [Chemical Spill Clears BSB] They made us keep a good 50 feet from the building, blocked off the roads.. it was a big deal! I felt bad for all the professors whose students were outside with their midterms in hand, unable to find their class and with no idea what to do haha. I’m sure they had to take their midterms all over again! They ended up letting people back in the building like 3 hours later. Obviously my class was long over by then so that’s why I took it today.

I don’t know why I’m looking more forward to this weekend than others before. I guess just because I have a full extra day to do NOTHING, which is how I usually spend my weekends haha. Well, I say nothing.. what I mean is nothing really productive. I do a little homework Sunday nights but other than that it’s a lot of spending time with Cory (can’t complain!) and watching movies, eating good food, napping.. things that I’ve come to find may not be “productive” but are essential to my well-being. Seriously! I guess that probably sounds like I’m rationalizing being lazy, but really, those are the things that make me happy. So spending a lot of my time and energy on those things is a good thing. I’m overall a really happy person, and I think that has a lot to do with it.

Other things… tonight I’m hanging out with my friend Morgan! We haven’t really hung out since last semester. I was dating Ben then, and living with Lacey. Weird how circumstances change so much so quickly! It sucks living here sometimes because I don’t like having people over since I don’t know my roommates very well. And a lot of times I wish Cory lived here. It was nice when I was dating Ben because if I wanted to see him he was just 5 minutes away. But at the same time, living 3 hours from Cory gives me a chance to spend time with my girl friends. Because I know if he was here I’d never leave his side! I mean I probably spend the majority of my time with him anyway and we don’t even live in the same city. He’s gonna get sick of me one of these days haha. I cannot get enough of that boy.. Nothing he doesn’t already know though Hi Cory!

Another little side note.. I just heard about a site called Grooveshark that’s kind of similar to Pandora. I LOVE Pandora, but you don’t really get to choose the actual songs you want to hear, just the genre. I like that when I don’t have anything in particular I want to hear, but Grooveshark lets you choose specific songs and make playlists out of them. Both have cool features so I’ll probably switch off between them.

I’ve come to realize this period of time – whether you define it as this decade, this era, this generation – is marked by convenience. Among other things of course, the past decade or two has seen a huge surge in consumer products geared toward convenience. There are a lot of great things about that, because it means we can use our time more efficiently and generally makes life easier. Obviously there are plenty of negatives too.. laziness, depersonalization, etc. I think as long as you pick and choose the conveniences in life that are most beneficial without being detrimental, you’re fine. Like take microwaves for example. They make it quicker and easier to get food cooked, as long as you don’t eat eggrolls and hot pockets all the time haha. But the reason I bring this up is because it seems like every day I find something else new and exciting that makes my life just a little bit easier. Case in point: Redbox. Not only are movies only $1 a night (which is awesome because who needs a movie for more than a night?), but you can reserve them online to make sure no one else gets the one you want, and just show up to any Redbox (they’re everywhere), swipe your card, and your movie pops right out. Netflix is the same concept except you don’t even have to leave your house haha. Another convenience that I love: iPhones. Everything about them is meant to be convenient. There’s an app you can get for iPhones called Shazam, and it identifies songs that are playing. So if you hear a song you like and want to download, or you hear a song and cannot think of the artist’s name, you turn on Shazam, it listens to it for like 30 seconds, analyzes it, and then tells you all the info about that song. As if that weren’t enough, it also gives you links to watch the music video for that song on YouTube, read the lyrics, and download it on iTunes. It cracks me up to think back to when I was my youngest sister’s age and we had only gotten dial-up internet in our house like 3 years before that. There was no such thing as Facebook, YouTube, Twitter, and no one blogged. How did people survive?!

Anyway. I don’t know why I explained all that stuff as if no one knows what Redboxes or iPhones are. Even my dad has mastered the art of technology. My grandparents.. well I think maybe they were a little too far past the threshold of learning by the time computers made their way into every household in America. But anyone 60 and younger could probably tell you what DVR or a Blackberry is. What a world we live in…

and when that world slows down dear…

I feel so unproductive today. I started off great.. got up at 8:30, got to school about 9, had myself half a muffin, went to running class, went to health, got some lunch, came home and ate it with every intention of showering and then going to my 2:00 class. Didn’t happen. Not even close actually. I got to talking to Cory (as always) and realized I was just really tired. Running wears me out. I really do like being up early, but I am always so exhausted afterward! Working out has yet to energize me haha. Oh well, maybe someday.

So anyway, here I am, sitting on the computer STILL, with nothing to show for it. I napped for a little while, but other than that I really haven’t done anything worthwhile. And I have a lot to do! What is my problem?! All I can think about is how badly I either want to turn on the TV or go shopping. I’m having a hard time resisting those urges haha. My motivation will have to be me and Lacey’s date night tonight. I need to get most of my stuff done before that, so that’s my goal for the evening. We’ll see if it actually happens.

I’m excited about going out with Lacey! We decided to make it a weekly thing. It’s rare to find a friend as good as Lacey is to me, so I want to take advantage of it! I’m not sure who’s playing at Icehouse tonight. Unfortunately, come to find out, David Fenley doesn’t play there anymore. And I know Scott doesn’t play tonight. Maybe Myles will? I can’t wait to move to San Antonio where there are more fun (and clean) bars with live music. Not to mention they probably don’t get their water from the outdoor wall faucet..

And just for fun, some pictures from lately:

when you’re gone all the colors fade

I got an email today asking me to verify my diploma information! That was a weird feeling… everything’s becoming so much more real all of a sudden and I like it  : ) And as much as I am so ready to never live in Waco, there are definitely parts of it I’ll miss. Showing Cory all the best bars, restaurants, and things to do has made me realize that.

Last night Lacey and I went to Icehouse to see Myles Smith and Scott Rotge play. Turns out it was just Scott, but he was so much fun to watch. All the guys who play at Tin Roof are so talented! It’s a shame more people aren’t into live music, especially in Waco. But those two guys, David Fenley, and Brent Michael Wood all play at the Tin Roof and are soooo worth seeing. Myles and Brent play together sometimes and sound great together. Their sounds kind of complement each other. Scott said he’d be back two Tuesdays from now so I’ll definitely be back to see him then!

no doubt in my mind where you belong

I am so ready to move out. I was talking to Juli the other day about how I’m at the point in my life where I’m kind of done talking about and planning my future, and am right on the edge of having to actually DO it. I’ve spent so much time anticipating, and now I finally get to experience what I’ve waited so long for! It’s really exciting feeling. Sure I’m nervous because it’s such a huge heap of responsibility all at once, but at the same time I have a pretty good head on my shoulders and lots of support, so my worst-case scenario is probably still better than a lot of people’s best-case scenarios. And for that reason I know I’m lucky.

But some of the changes that’ll be made in the next several months include graduating (yay!), leaving Waco, deciding where to live, actually moving there, finding a job, paying all my own bills, taking the GRE, and  applying to grad school.

It’s funny how when I look back, I feel like high school did not prepare me for college at all, and that college really hasn’t prepared me for the “real world” either. Instead of requiring four semesters of language or three fine arts classes or something, why didn’t they make us take a life skills class? Like “How to Manage Your Money” or “The Best Places to Live in America” or “Learning to Take On 100% Responsibility in a Matter of Days”. I guess you learn better through experience though, so maybe that’s their angle…

In the meantime, I’m going to try and enjoy the simple things, like Cory coming to visit tonight : ) There are still a ton of places I need to take him! As much as I can hate Waco most of the time, I have to admit there are some pretty great local places to eat and drink around here. Taqueria #8, George’s, Vitek’s, Health Camp, Elite, Mi Tequila, Baris, Cathay House, Treff’s, Icehouse, Scruffy’s***.. I love local places. Applebee’s is one of the only places I enjoy as much as the local restaurants, and that’s only because it has $1 drafts all day every day. Can’t beat that.

***Funny story about Scruffy’s: I took Cory there a couple weeks ago and there’s an outdoor bar with a bartender who you’d swear is homeless. He’s the coolest ever but straight up looks like a hobo. So anyway Cory orders  his usual Jack and water, and when the guy grabs the mixer to put the water in, he turns around and fills it with water from the SPICKET coming out of the brick wall! He turns back around like he didn’t just use faucet water and continued mixing his drink, no big deal haha. Typical Waco.. I didn’t know whether to be repulsed or endeared.

Ok time to be responsible and get some studying done before Cory gets here. Hopefully we have another Wacoan experience to talk about!

it reminded me twice that i was alive

So you know how most people say that exercising puts them in a good mood and makes them feel generally happy? Well until about a week ago I completely disagreed with that idea. I’ve exercised plenty of times before and very rarely did I feel good afterward. In fact, really any kind of exercise tended to put me in a BAD mood. But for some reason, being in that stupid 9:30am running class has totally changed my perspective on that whole thing. Granted, I still dread waking up early to go run.. but when I get done I’m in a good mood all day long! Who knew?! Well apparently everyone but me.. So that’s a fun new development. I think I might stick with it this time.

Other fun things: As was mentioned in a previous post, I caved and bought an iPhone and am completely obsessed with it. It’s ridiculous, and maybe a little sad, but I can’t help it! It’s so handy! And while a lot of it is probably superfluous, most of it is soo helpful, and so worth the money. I am constantly using the maps, weather, pandora, and wordpress apps. And as much as I hate to admit it, Apple products really are sooo much more intuitive than PCs. Anyone could use it, even my dad if he wasn’t enamored with his Blackberry. And not only is the phone itself easy to use, but everything that goes with it is too, like iTunes – when I add music, I don’t have to go through and edit every song that doesn’t have an artist or something, iTunes does it for me. Bottom line: best purchase ever. And I’ll shut up about it now.

I also bought a 18.5″ Dell monitor because my little nugget of a netbook wasn’t cutting it in the screen size department. Unlike the iPhone though, this was kind of an unnecessary purchase, and I’ll be the first to admit it haha. Just much more convenient. But then that’s what the American way is all about anyway, right? Convenience?

Ok now that I’ve officially exhausted all forms of procrastination (Email, check. Facebook, check.Organize music, check. Clean room, check. I could keep going… I’m a master at procrastination), I should probably start studying for my neuroscience quiz that’s at 9 tomorrow morning and/or writing the paper that’s due at 11..

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Ok I’m going now..

you turned out to be more than i bargained for

I am such a female. I’m sitting here trying to be pissed off and pouty about all the studying I still have to do tonight, and I just can’t do it knowing my unbelievably amazing boyfriend is on his way to Waco, just for the evening. As if that weren’t sweet enough just once in a blue moon, I’ll have you know that this is a frequent occurence. I’m a lucky, lucky girl. Any other person or circumstance and I’d say I don’t want him to make a habit of it bc it might take away from the thoughtful spontaneity of it all, but I’m fairly certain that this is not the kind of thing I could ever tire from. And if I did, it’d be my loss!

The one good thing about the 3 hours that separate us is it gives me time to maybe get some studying done before he gets here!!

no other way

Ok I’ve officially decided I’m going to start writing here again. I wish I had written more in my travel blog when I was in Maastricht.. now I just feel stupid writing about traveling because it’s been a month since I’ve even been in Europe. There’s plenty to say now that I’m home though!

To recap: went to and returned from Europe, wasted no time in the dating department and started spending every subsequent free moment with Cory, dad got married in Boerne (such a beautiful wedding), moved back to Waco, bought an iphone!, started school, had an epiphany: I GRADUATE IN DECEMBER, realized I should probably start paying better attention to my grades, realized how difficult it’s going to be, somehow summoned the courage not to drop out, and I am currently planning my REAL life which starts in January.

It’s gonna be a long, stressful semester, but this is the first time I’ve had a reachable end-point. I can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel, dim as it may be. But it’s a light nonetheless and I am determined to make it there unscathed!

In the meantime, my family and Cory being close by is helping. The two most recent additions to my support system: Cory and Karen. More people to serve as a sounding board is always a good thing. I’m pretty lucky.

It also helps to have some fun things to look forward to. On the bill for this month: visiting Cory’s brother and his family in Houston and going to a Texans game (that’s football right..?). October: camping at Lost Maples and Ziegfest. November: Baylor v Texas game in Waco and Thanksgiving with Julianne in Colorado. It helps me to break up a particularly long period of time into smaller ones with fun things like those.

Anyway, that’s kind of the general stuff. Specifics to come..